Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
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