She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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