Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Randomize
