im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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