I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
