Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize