I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
