So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
