dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
