wat bout pragnant strippers??
Only a mothe r could love this liver
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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