it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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