my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
