im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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