I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
