Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Randomize
