Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
