dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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