My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
