Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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