There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
