I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Terrible idea I love it
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
