I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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