youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
