Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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