Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
