where am i from again
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I just had sex on a roof
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
