I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize