you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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