call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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