you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
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