Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
