My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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