Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize