if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
