you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Randomize
