I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
