He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
