while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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