I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
