I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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