He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
