If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
