Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
