we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize