Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Randomize
