he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Randomize
