sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize