I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
