I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
