I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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