One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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