3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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