Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
