Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
