I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
