Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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