Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize